Things are different this time

Well, Evan left for Pensacola today.

But, let me start off by saying I am very thankful that he is stateside. Do not confuse what I am about to say with me not being thankful, blessed, etc.

Things are different this time. I've said my fair shares of "see ya later"s, but this time it's different. A lot different. We've been married nearly a year now and been living together for 5 months, and never went a day without seeing one another. Our love has grown and changed from 'puppy love' to a more mature love.

Coming home to an empty apartment was an irking feeling. I just fell to my knees and bawled. Seeing his stuff, having his stuff, and knowing he was just here sunk my heart. I had no one to come home to. Bentley has tried his best to comfort me. He's laid in my lap and meowed at me, like asking, "what's wrong mommy?". He knows something's up.

My parents aren't right down the road. None of my family is, instead they're 2500 miles across country. My Marine Corps family is here, but I haven't gotten extremely close to them yet. While they've been so nice and welcoming, I just haven't opened up. I'm not much of an extrovert.

Some people would ask why would I stay out here in California instead of going "home" to Ohio? Well, let me tell you this. Ohio doesn't feel like my "home" anymore. My "home" is hear. I settled down with my husband for 5 months and this place feels more like "home" then Ohio ever will. At the same time, California doesn't feel like "home" to me either. It's like I have no home without my husband here. It's just me, Bentley, and our stuff.

I'm not going to lie, I'm so scared to be here by myself and I have so much going through my head. I know I have lots of friends, but ugh. I just want to scream.

I yearn to settle down more than anything and I loathe the fact that I have to move so much and I feel like I will never have a home. However, this just goes back to my last post. I married an amazing man, not because I wanted this military life, but because he is truly my soul mate. I love him so much and nothing will take that away.

As this change in my life comes and goes, I know I'll make it. I know I'm blessed that he is stateside, but it doesn't make things change. It doesn't make me miss him less or not wish things were different.

I don't really know how to put this "different" feeling into words, or how to express my feelings, I just know I'm feeling them. I miss him. I love him. Duty calls and duty sucks. This is why I stand among the silent ranks. I enlisted right by his side when I said "I do".

I can't help but cry. I'm not as strong as I wish I were. I'm not the perfect Marine Wife, but I think we all have our imperfections, and really? Who wants their husband away?

To make things worse, we still don't know the duration of the schools. Yes, schoolS. There will be an A school in Pensacola and a C school somewhere else. No idea where that "somewhere else" is.

Sorry that this is written in no particular order, I'm all over the place and so is this blog. But, for now, I will remain singing, "This is my temporary home", and remember that he is always here in heart, even not in person.

I love you, Evan.

PS- I've forgotten to mention this a million times, but BIG THANKS to the Wifey for creating my layout. Go visit her http://www.thewifeyblogs.com/ Thanks again!